my c0nfessi0ns

how i feel

2008-07-20T13:02:00.002+08:00

one line

..i miss my mom..
='c

s0o0 breaking 0ut

2008-06-13T12:24:00.002+08:00

ok,it's 0fficial!
i am terribly breaking out!

red,white,black..
over,under..
huge,tiny..
sore,painless..

what is it?

ACNE!

i've never experienced this much acne
so right now,i am freaking out!

i have been taking care of my face since forever
& now,it just kills me to see those darn blemishes!

what did i do wrong?!

..been past the puberty thingy so why now?!
can it be just somebody else?!(kidding!)

i can't stand looking at the mirror coz i don't like what i see!
it's not actually that bad,it's just on my forehead.
but yet,it's still acne. it means dirt,bacteria..ewww!!

well maybe i am overacting
i just wasn't used to this.
let's just put it this way, i am new to this thing
so its natural for me to be bothered,
RIGHT???!!!

Those Guys From Above

2008-04-12T07:17:00.003+08:00

i started to pray the rosary two days ago.well, it was just a random decision and i am really hoping that God would help me have a job. i have been looking for one since January and I am starting to lose hope. I just needed a little push.

Guess what, it has been two days,right? A few hours ago, I received a call from Burger King and they want me to come over for training or something. I was so happy! Who would have thought that just praying the rosary would actually work.

I do believe in God and the like. It's just that, I am not the extreme believer,you know. But now, hey, there's no harm in putting your faith in Him. All I know is that, it works & I'll be praying more often. Promise! Seriously!

passion & bringing home the bacon

2008-04-02T07:34:00.002+08:00

..i miss writing.

..i miss class.

..i miss school.

..haykz, i wanna go back to school. i still want to continue Mass Communication. Mom said, it's okay if i continue it. Thing is, MassComm won't bring much money. Medical courses is still the trend here.

..now, i am really in between. I want to pursue my passion but at the same time, i want to help my family finacially. so what do i do?

..for now, I'll think things over...

hate me?!...hate u!!

2008-04-02T07:15:00.002+08:00

auntie Luz hates us coz':
1. she's menopausal! Duh!
2. ever since we arrived, she's not the princess anymore.(Oh, wait, she still is--Princess Fiona,that is!!)
3. she doesn't want me sleeping in her bed...greedy much!
4. she has a lot of debts & we instantly became her target!
5. she doesn't know how to use the computer & again, we are to blame!
6. now, she has to share her food with us...she can't stand it!
7. we don't eat that much food at buffets. Hello, we're not like you!
8. she can't fit on clothes & i can

we hate her coz:
1. she's menopausal!yeah!
2. she acts as if she's in control
3. she disrespect us, most especially my brother, right at our face
4. she gets mad for no reason at all
5. she's a know-it-all!!
6. she acts as if we are inferior when in fact, we know a lot more!
7. she scrutinizes our every move
8. she pretends to be so kind to us in front of Mama

..i think that respect begets respect. so if she wants me to respect her,show some yourself! as far as i know, we have done nothing against her for her to hate us this much. the only thing we did is to come here. if i only knew beforehand that we will be living with her, we should haven't come. so don't blame us for being here. it's not our choice. it's our mom's.

ALMOST DIDN'T BREATHE

2008-02-29T08:22:00.000+08:00

Her name is Divina. Just Divina.

I assume she was born on the late 1950’s considering the fact that Divina is a perfect choice during those times. I’d say, Divine would be much better.

She is a Filipina. A native of Samar to be exact.

In every person’s life, there will always be a time where you want to be independent. For Divina, independence means moving out of her parent’s house. She tried her luck in Baguio City. There she made a living. There she grew.

And there, she found love.

Right then & there, she met a Chinese man. What can I say! Boy, they were in love!

Time passed, their love grew deeper. All they want is to spend the rest of their lives together. So they’ve decided to get married. Divina was ecstatic! In God’s grace, they were united as one.

That life is Divina’s very own dream come true. She has a loving husband who treated her just right. In return, she did love him just as much!

From that love & elation he and Divina have, a baby girl was born. Half- Chinese...half- Filipina…born in 1986. At that moment, Divina didn’t want anything more. She has a perfect life & her beautiful baby girl will always be the living proof.

Like any other tales, there would always be “that wicked moment.” Divina’s story was no exception.

After some time of total bliss, Divina’s husband decided to go to Hong Kong to earn a living. A decision she ached for. She wanted her family to stick together but there was nothing she could do. Although she was hurting, she allowed her husband to go.

He left. She grew bored.

Divina’s baby girl made her happy for sure. But it wasn’t enough. Out of her loneliness, she sought for companionship.

There she met a guy.

They started going out. Things went on…and on…and on…until that moment she gave in. Divina slept with the guy.

That is the biggest mistake she ever did. She’s still very much in love with her husband
.So Divina ended her relationship with the guy.

From that time on, everything went on perfectly…for a month at least!

Divina thought, leaving the guy would rid her of her sin. But no, that mistake left a trace.

She got pregnant.

With that news, everything came crashing down on Divina. That pregnancy threatened her once perfect life. She had to do some thing!

From the very time Divina knew she was pregnant, she was already certain that she won’t go through the pregnancy. Abortion is her only option. But she was scared to go under the knife. So she started wearing a girdle-a very tight one- hoping that the baby would eventually die and be miscarried.

Five months later, the baby was still there. Divina continued wearing the girdle. She really wanted the baby gone. Desperate enough, she confided to her friend, Mila de Guzman. Divina asked Mila if she knows an abortionist. Mila didn’t know anyone and she doesn’t want Divina to have an abortion so she told Divina that she’d find a family that would be willing to take the baby as their own. Divina agreed.

Mila looked for a family. But she was unlucky.

Mila started to lose hope. She wanted to back out but she pitied the baby so much.

Until that day

Mila went out with her co-worker & friend, Lori. Mila told Divina’s story to Lori. On the other hand, Lori told Mila that she’d be glad to take the baby.

Mila was so happy. She immediately brought the news to Divina. In return, Divina was also very much happy. She no longer needs the girdle. Finally, the mark of her mistake will be gone.

From that time on, Divina was freed from all her worries- including the financial part. Lori took care of everything-from Divina’s pregnancy to her home rent…and all.

After four months, Divina’s water just broke. It’s time! She’s having the baby.

She was brought to the hospital. Divina went through all the pain until finally, a baby girl was born. It was her second baby girl.

But unlike her first baby, Divina didn’t want to hold her second baby. She didn’t even take a glance of her newborn.
The baby girl’s first hours in life was spent in the hospital’s nursery.

The next day, Lori arrived at the hospital.

Lori immediately went to the nursery. She looked at Divina’s baby girl & loved the baby. But she was having second thoughts of taking the baby because the baby had brown spots all over her body. The doctor reassured Lori that the spots are result of the girdle Divina wore and that those spots will be gone after a week or so. Upon hearing that, Lori took the baby girl in her hands and said, “This will be a pretty girl & someday, she’ll have a good life!”

Right then & there, Lori registered the baby as her own and took her home.

After having birth, Divina went on her life as if nothing happened. Like what she thought earlier, Divina didn’t want anything more. Here husband and her first born baby girl are enough for her.

Lori on the other hand, is having the time of her life with her baby girl. But one thing still needs to be done.

So three months later, she invited Divina to come see her daughter.

Divina did come…but not for her daughter. She came for three thousand pesos that Lori handed her right at the doorsteps of Lori’s home. She never made it inside. Divina never saw nor held her second baby girl.

That was the last time Divina was seen & heard.

Probably, she went back to Samar with her daughter or she went to Hong Kong to follow her husband. For all I know, Divina is history & her life will always be a fairytale tainted with a sin.

And who is the baby girl, if you may ask?

That was ME….

Originally born November 15, 1988 but was legally registered the next day, November 16, 1988. A product of infidelity from 2 people who from the very first sign of my existence, wanted me dead.

I was almost deprived of life…Identity almost lost…Almost didn’t breathe.

I look at myself and question, “Who do I look like, Divina or ‘that guy’?” But it doesn’t matter anymore, right?

19 years have passed and every minute of my life is a divine providence. Divina tried to take my right of life away from me, but God never allowed that to happen. I lived!

I was never seen in the eyes of my biological mother, Divina but I was seen in the eyes of the 2 greatest foster mothers ever, Florence (Lori) & Edna.

Now, unlike Divina, I am not “just Ahrra.” I am Ahrra Honeylytte T. Dominguez!

how twisted life is

2008-02-15T08:54:00.002+08:00

don't you guys find it weird that when you're in a relationship,all you want to do is let go and go solo again., when you're already single, all you want to do is have a boyfriend., weird huh??

i guess people just never get contented...

there will always be something that they want...

people want more...

even if it doesn't make much sense.

bff much!!

2008-02-13T06:58:00.000+08:00

i love her
& i consider her as my sister
but i hate her too
i despise what she says & do

she is my bestfriend
from then til now,
she's still the one i always defend

she has been mean
but at the end of the day,
she still wins..
she always gets her way!

we tried everything we can
to have back the sweet girl we knew back then
but things just can't be the way it was
coz of the fact that we can't dwell on the past

things have changed in a million ways
& our friendship is not all weepees & yeheys

i used to say,"i love to hate her"
but now i say, 'i hate it coz i love her so!"

a piece of junk!

2008-02-02T07:41:00.000+08:00

i am so dead bored!i wanna do something about my life..

i want to work..

or go to school..

it's just that, things doesn't seem to go my way right now.

i have been waiting for the confirmation about the job i applied for.up to now, ate liza hasn't called yet.she said, i am definitely in but i just have to wait for an available slot.hanggang ngayon,wala pdin..

about my studies, mom keeps on saying that we're going to look for a good college but up to now, she's all words.ugh!

i am so tired of just lying down watching and stuffs like that.i want to make something out of my stay here.i want to be productive.

please,please,please!

uggghhh!

2008-02-01T14:02:00.000+08:00

call me crazy or something but i liked what i did..i feel so mature doing that...

well, everybody has their own sworn enemies,right?i have one., we've been hating on each other since elementary.,we like argued about everything from academics, friends, BOYS, and so on! it was really silly and childish,you know..

so after years of hate, i finally ended it..

i apologized!

i'm serious!

haha!.,i must be really crazy!

but i am proud of what i did nonetheless..

i can't believe it, i hate her gutz to the bone and now, here i am, apologizing.,i must be hexed or something!haha!

haykz!!

2008-01-31T15:27:00.000+08:00

ok,it's official...

i am seriously lost! i put myself into this situation & i don't know how to get out of it!
when i did it, all i wanted is to have my life back..but now, ironically, i want that back.
i sure wish i never even made that stupid, impulsive decision.

as i was lying on my bed last night, all i was thinking about is THAT!plus, i jumped into that conclusion without any exact reasons.you know what i mean?

what was i even thinking?!ugghh!!!
could i be any rasher??

shoulda,woulda,coulda--not me!
should haven't,would haven't, could haven't--totally me!!

can i go now???

2008-01-21T18:32:00.000+08:00

should you feel bad if you don't feel the same??
he's crying, you're not-should you be blamed??
if you're starting to lose the thrill,
would you play the game still??

if things begin to appear useless,
should you put it all to rest?

confused..
lost..
and totally troubled!

i don't wanna be the one who's down on my knees
maybe that's why i"m still here..still tolerating this
i am not going to jump into conclusions
coz i don't want to regret being pulled down by these confusions

i am staying..
..& i will try to not stop believing.

rise to the moment

2008-01-17T09:39:00.000+08:00

Home is an imperative part of every person’s life. It is where we started to be shaped to who we will someday be. Home is our refuge, our protection. It is where everything is so secure that we feel we can do great things.

It is also where we start to be socially oriented. As we grow older, we gradually step out of that comfort zone. To where? To our second home, which is school.

School is where we make friends. We choose a clique that we feel we belong to. It is where we have that first step to decide on our own. We may have stumbled down from the wrong choices but yet, we managed to stand and be gracious about it.

School is where we first get giddy and have that very first infatuation with someone else. It is also where that green-eyed monster begin to come out from us. It is where the chances of feeling all sorts of emotions are very high.

Home and school for most people is what they consider “the life.”

Take that away and fire would definitely be flaring up!

For the past 19 years of my life, I have been so comfy with where I am and who I’m with. I have established a comfort zone for myself. That is, I have my friends that are always around and I can go to the usual places I know I can never be lost.

Then it hit me…

I am booked for a flight to USA.

Just the thought of living out the next years of my life in a foreign land is overwhelming! No friends, no sleepovers, no nothing! I was so used to having other people by me and now, I have to face the world alone.

It is like being born again. I have to start from scratch. Everything is so out of my league.

The whole place is exhilarating but I sure love to enjoy it with my friends and the other people I left. All the opportunities that life can ever offer is staring right back at me but I can’t seem to put a smile on my face because I am so nostalgic. All I wanted to do is go back-go back to my comfort zone.

It took a little push from my friends to finally get myself together and stop having that defeatist attitude. Well it is true that at the start, everything would feel like the first day of school. I have to introduce myself (a lot of time, I may say!), get used to the new environment, and of course, scout for new friends.

Just as Brooke Davis said, “this is my life and I am making a stand for it.” I can make this game go my way. For that to happen, I have to be ME.

A lot of people think that a new environment equals a new persona. Isn’t being in a foreign land a struggle enough?! So why do people have to pretend to be someone they’re not just to fit in?!
It is hard to be the newbie but I never want to change just to belong. I already know that there will be rejections waiting ahead for me. Hey, there will always be a bad day—live with it.

I am all alone now and the only one I can lean on is myself. If I have a resistance with myself, then I would definitely be a loser. So I have to begin with myself. I have to believe in me, and before I know it, for sure, people will learn to believe in me too.

I brought here with me that mantra I have back in the Phils. That is, “I love myself, and if you don’t, who the hell cares!”

One thing I know for sure is that I will not be another Cady Heron (Mean Girls) that wanted to fit in so bad that she ended up being such a total b****. I am not afraid to be branded as a geek or a complete freak because at the end of the day, I’d still be happy with who I am and they’d still be kissing someone else’s ass just to fit in.

Without doubt, I would really be on a lot of dead ends but certainly, there will always be a road I can turn to and rise to the moment just as long as I stay true to myself.

When I left Philippines, I thought it is the end.
Turns out, my life is just beginning…

=c

2008-01-16T23:05:00.000+08:00

if i cry now, i'd be defeated..

...so i won't!!

confused much!

2008-01-16T22:55:00.000+08:00

please give me one good reason why is hould still believe in FOREVER...

this is the time i surely need an answer!!

emotionless!

2008-01-16T22:48:00.000+08:00

i don't think there's an emoticon to describe how i feel right now

i am defintely not happy..or laughing..or grinning for that matter!
i am somehow doubtful..just a little bit
i am in no mood to spread hugs & kisses..no smooches for now
i am sort of sleepy..but not really
i ain't mad..not at all
i don't look angelic..not devilish either!
i am not to say goodbyes yet
i am way,way past sad..or teary-eyed
& i am certainly not heart-broken...not yet!

is there an emoticon for a dying heart but with a struggling mind??

..........is there????

vision

2008-01-15T20:57:00.000+08:00

i am at the lowest point in my life
it seems like a very bad dream...& i can't wake up!

i really want to just have fun...didn't think it would be so hard

maybe i just wanted to experience all these with them

when i say them, i mean, my family..my friends..

i never pictured that i'd be doing this alone

i so want to go back & return to the way everything was but something within me just wants to give this a shot

weird huh??i am having resistance with myself!!

just when i am convinced to leave, i suddenly just say NO..

irony, irony!!

thing is, if i turned all this down, i would feel so defeated. i always go back to the vision i have...

if i stay,
...i can support & give back what my family deserves
...i can help my friends when they need me

they have helped me in so many ways and now, i have the opportunity to be the one helping them.i don't think i am going to waste that chance....

no matter how bad i feel right now, i would still prefer that they'd be happy!

2008-01-13T12:47:00.000+08:00

what do you do when you're not in control?
what do you do when your life's going down the drain??

"your dreams are not gonna happen," they say
"this is too much of a price for me to pay!"

i've cried...didn't show a trace
i put a smile on my face
but the tears just won't go away
i'm hurting inside almost everyday

i have no place to run to
i have no one to help me come through

coming here, i thought it's all good
but hey, i gues i just misunderstood

this is not for me
i am meant to be free

i am meant for those people i love
i am meant to be back there....

i'm losing it

2008-01-11T08:59:00.000+08:00

i woke up to find text messages from my friends
next thing i know, tears were falling down my face

truth is,i miss my friends so much

..those silly times

..sleepovers

..i miss being with them

..i even miss the fights

i feel so terrible that i had to leave during this time that i know they needed help..

i wanted to be there for them just as before..

but hey, life's a bitch!

i want to go back

i want my life back..

i want it so bad it makes me breakdown & cry until they realize that i am not for this crap!

real girl by mutya buena

2007-10-15T17:53:00.000+08:00

..a real filipina..i so like mutya coz she is proud of who she is..

..we should all be like her!..

babbles

2007-10-15T17:28:00.000+08:00

***
..i just came to a very odd conclusion!

..not all people that are in love are blooming.

why?

well, when i was still in a relationship(meaning, i am in love!), i wasn't really blooming at all and people around me are a witness of that!

now that i am plain, and simply single, people always say i am blooming.what??confusing isn't it..it just proves that being in love is not really the reason why people are happy and blooming!!

i am confused myself. when we were still together, i really never found a thrill in me to dress up and fix myself..but now, i like getting dolled up!! explanations for it are better left unsaid.whatever it is, i am glad!

***
final exams are really draining!ugh!

i haven't started taking my exams yet but i am dead tired from all the lines and the walkathons i had to endure just to get a clearance and a permit! COLLEGE LIFE IS REALLY AGING ME!

then tomorrow, i have 4 exams to take.supposedly it should be only 1 but i have to go to manila by wednesday for my medical exam(for the visa)so i have no choice but to take my wednesday exams tomorrow.(haba ng sentence!)

sana lang maipasa koh lahat..sayang naman efforts ko noh!

***
today is somewhat like a reunion for all my friends and classmates.
halos lahat sila nakasalubong ko today!

supah fun!

kahit tiring ang day koh, it is alright coz i get to see my friends again...

***
pros and cons of being active in school:

*pros*
-you get freebies!
-you instantly become well-known at school
-you get to befriend instructors..and eventually ask them for favors!(likey-likey!)
-you get a scholarship(for some)

*cons*
-you are always asked to recite(coz the instructors know you)
-you get twice the work!
-overly tiring!

..i do wish at times that i am active but at some point, i do not like it either.haha!well, i like having more friends but i don't like having more loads!

..i am just a normal kolehiyala!!!

***
i officially hate spams and ads from the internet!

ugh!!

my laptop is now so loaded with viruses coz of it.. so i have to update my antivirus again!!

ish talaga!!!

***
ciao for now!!!

is it full moon??

2007-10-11T20:43:00.000+08:00

..what happens to me when i am alone and bored?!

hmmm??

..i go crazy...haha!

..it is still hours before midnight..and full moon is not happening anytime soon but, that does not stop me from doing what i do best..being coo-coo crazy!!

..iba talaga effect ng nagiisa..haha!nakakawindang..

huhuhu!

2007-10-08T21:20:00.000+08:00

well,well,well!i can relate to this!!!
kung nababasa mo man to, i hope this is enough to tell you how i feel....

V - I Got To Go My Own Way lyrics

I gotta say what's on my mind
Something about us
Doesn't seem right these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try
Somehow the plan
Is always rearranged

It's so hard to say
But I've got to do what's best for me
You'll be okay

[Chorus]
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
And I watch them fall every time
Another color turns to gray
And it's just to hard
To watch it all
Slowly fade away

I'm leaving today
'Cause I gotta do what's best for me
You'll be okay

[Chorus]
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here
I hope you understand
We might find a place in this world someday
But at least for now
I gotta go my own way

pajama party! part 2!!!

2007-10-04T08:09:00.000+08:00

..fun is not over yet!wahahaha!

..for us, fun never ends!!
..now, nadagdagan pa kami!!
..kasama na si rose, tanya, and, kuya charles!!!!

..the pictures says everything....

pajama party!

2007-10-02T07:27:00.000+08:00

..nang dahil sa research sa english3, eto, napilitan kaming magpuyat!
uhmm,kami lang pala nila jet and benj..c jabi nauna nang natulog.. pagod kasi..
alam mo naman ang hyperactivr na tao.whehe!

..actually, wala kameng nagawa nang dahil sa i.r. kuno na yan!si jet poh ang pasimuno..(=

..the lowdown:
si jabi natulog ng 11 pm!san ka pa!
ako...uhm...2 am na natulog!
si benj, 3 am!
at ang reyna, c jet, 6 am nag-doze off!

supposedly, papasok kame ng 7:30 pero late na kami nagising!so, tulog
ulit!

sa wednesday, ganito nanaman!!